Why be alive if I'm just a burden to society?

It's been half a year since I got my diploma and I still don't have a job. When I turn 25 in June, my parents expect me to be gone from home, my birthday is my deadline. 25 is the age in France when you can start receiving some social aids so I could still survive without a job. I'm currently a burden for my parents, it would make me a burden to society.
And really, I'm a burden. I feel sick of myself, my will vanished in the darkness of winter and applying for jobs takes long efforts from me. I try to do things well but I guess I'm afraid of not being up to an employer's expectations. I fear I won't be given my chance, nor the time to adapt myself to the enterprise. Everybody's talking of perfomance and people are fighting for jobs like arrogantly confident winners. I have a very low opinion of myself and each time I manage to do something I'm a little happy with, I have the feeling I'll never manage to do something as good again. I'm far from being a "winner".

I know I'm a good creative, that I have good ideas, that I can help people a lot to enhance their projects, develop their concepts further... I would surely be a great creative coach because I love teaching, I love sharing, I like to listen and to give. But I really don't see who could have the least need of someone like me. Seriously, why would someone hire a young dude whose main talent is to have ideas? Obviously it's the only thing that make me unique, even if I have some skills in graphism, there are many artists much more talented than I am.

Being useful to the others is the only thing I live for. I don't think I'm worth anything beyond what I have to offer with my skills, and I've never managed to change this vision of myself. I let myself live like an animal while preserving the appearance of a civilized human being, but when I see me like this I'm ashamed. If I was an employer I would not even hire me, not unless I knew another employee would be able to manage me, brief me on the job to do. Oh surely, in a company, there should be a manager! ...But I feel so far from this world, it starts to look less and less real and sometimes I think I'm just dreaming myself an ideal life. Often I think I must wake up but then the tire comes and all I want then is to sleep, sleep peacefuly, away from troubles, and never wake up.

I think there's a word for this, a stupid word for a stupid idea. When I was a kid I often wondered what the world would be like if I was dead and quickly concluded that it would not change a thing, it would only make my family sad, but it would not prevent anybody from keeping on their lives. I was afraid of living, there was so much to do, to learn and I was so weak, so small, so ignorant. I still feel like this sometimes. Useless and so, worthless. When I think about how it would be if I died now for a reason or another (accidents happen) I think it would be a pity I didn't have the occasion to offer the best of me to society. I know I have something to give, I just don't know how and now I lack the strength to dig for the answer. I've always been a weak and my mind was all I had. I've always used it to avoid troubles, uncomfortable situations, but now I can't avoid my life, I must face it and don't know how.

I don't understand how I can put so much energy in my works, feeding myself with hopes of pleasing people and getting a little attention in return. I've always been naive. Now I'm running out of energy, I realize that despite the wisdom I can have I'm still a child, I'm lost in the forest and surrounded by wolves and in spite of climbing to the trees or fighting for my life, I just watch the bad things coming to me and I figure that, maybe, it's not so bad to be eaten. Maybe it's what I deserve if I can't defend myself. Maybe it's better than deceiving more people than just family and friends.


This is some rant but I needed to write it down. Clear my mind. And admit that I feel bad. I hope this will shame me so much that somehow I will get mad at me, that anger will shake me, animate me, give me the strength to kick myself out of depression. All I need is work.